Heck, some people are just like that. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! Will.i.am lets_be_honest Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. I agree with you both. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. And next weekend. Its called enmeshment. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung GatorGirl His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. Im torn. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. SpaceySteph So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. I am afraid for humanity. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? Ktfran Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! leilani Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. TaraMonster how do we divide furniture? And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. Well. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. ForeverYoung Its a balance. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. im kind of confused. husband goes to his parents every weekend. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Dont people like to do things in their cities? So dont wait around for that. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. ForeverYoung Tax Geek Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. I know many families like this. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. I just dont understand this concept. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. She should say something about it to the BF at least. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. maybe im misunderstanding you. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Look at the situation from everyones position. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. Make plans for activities. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Yes. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Thats on you. That was what I meant. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. 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